The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary
--------------------------------
:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a
sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear
voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or
sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for
what I just said" smilie.
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last
statement or is upset or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie
but not quite as good as a happy smilie
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark.
Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark
was just made.
Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat
less common ones:
And the Pentium strikes again
Pentium: It's Not Just A Processor, It's a Comedy Routine
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as
Multiply is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point
divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards
754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation
of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
-----------------------------------------
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
Among the TOP TEN Reasons to Buy a Pentium:
1. your computer is too accurate.
2. you want to get into the Guinness book of records as "owner
of the most expensive paperweight.
Following is a complete issue of RISKS DIGEST
I include it here because there may be some of you out there that don't know
about this fantastic resource. The information on where it is stored and/or
how to subscribe to it is at the end of the issue - richard
I also include it because much of this issue fits into the character of this
area.
Article 1033 of comp.risks:
Path: vanbc.wimsey.com!news.mindlink.net!agate!agateway!csl.sri.com!risks
From: risks@csl.sri.com (RISKS Forum)
Newsgroups: comp.risks
Subject: RISKS DIGEST 16.69
Message-ID:
Date: 4 Jan 95 00:09:50 GMT
Sender: usenet
Reply-To: risks@csl.sri.com
Distribution: world
Organization: The Internet Gateway Service
Approved: risks@csl.sri.com
Lines: 589
RISKS-LIST: RISKS-FORUM Digest Tuesday 3 January 1995 Volume 16 : Issue 69
FORUM ON RISKS TO THE PUBLIC IN COMPUTERS AND RELATED SYSTEMS (comp.risks)
ACM Committee on Computers and Public Policy, Peter G. Neumann, moderator
***** HAPPY NEW YEAR! Note the collection of DATE stories! *****
***** See last item for further information, disclaimers, etc. *****
Contents:
Gov't Recommends Electronic Copyright Restrictions (Edupage)
One for the GIFfer (CompuServe-Unisys GIF Tax Protest) (Pat Clawson)
Mail repeatedly returned to sender (Curtis Keller)
Dates in a 4GL (name removed)
Dates and Times Not Matching in COBOL (Fred Ballard)
Testing and the Sources of Dates and Times (Fred Ballard)
Dates in "Ancient" Systems (Fred Ballard)
COBOL's Two-Character Year Field (Fred Ballard)
Last call for papers for COMPASS 95 (John Rushby)
Info on RISKS (comp.risks), contributions, subscriptions, FTP, etc.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Full Text
I know all about this stuff - been there, done that, got the
T-shirt
Article 5339 of rec.humor.funny:
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Reply-To: jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us
From: jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us (Jeff Liebermann)
Subject: Computer Nightmares
Keywords: chuckle, original, computers, true
Approved: funny@clarinet.com
Message-ID:
Date: Mon, 2 Jan 95 19:30:04 EST
Lines: 236
Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From?
by Jeff Liebermann (jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us) 07/09/94
(All these really happened to me since 1983.)
1. "My hard disk won't boot". I suggest they take the floppy
out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully
removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk
still inside).
2. "My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any
DOS programs". Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer.
When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering
Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback
was heard by the dog.
3. "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape
backup. Can you help me restore the system". No problem.
When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and
that she had never run a backup. "I thought you just shoved
in the tape and it sucked up the data".
4. "How do I get on the national data information super highway?".
I ask if he has accounts on any bbs's. He has Netcom, Compuserve,
and others. I tell him he's already on the highway.
"Is that all there is?" I hangup.
5. "What's the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily
from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?". Answer: FedEx.
6. How many RJ45 connector does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables?
Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward.
I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors
and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The
2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more
connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them
for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45.
7. "What kind of hard disk do you have?" Well... It's black
with a little red light ... (groan).
8. Most common support call. "I lost my CMOS setup. How many
heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?".
9. "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves
an inch or so on the screen and stops".
Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball.
10. "My systems on fire. What do I do?".
Ummmmm. Turn it off? "(Click)"
11. Most hated support call: "I'm not sure if we need a computer
system. Can you give me the relative advantages of Unix, DOS,
Windows, Novell, MacIntosh, Sun, etc...?".
12. Favorite software support call: "I just installed Word 6.0
for Windows. It's really big and slow. How much will it cost
to upgrade my machine?"
13. "My floppy drive won't read disks". I suggest they clean out
the dust from the drive. "I can't". Huh? "The dust won't move".
I find that they were using spray glue near the machine and that
all the dust was glued in place.
14. How to impress a new customer: I walk into the computer room
and knock the fire extinguisher off the wall which immediately
sprays everything with dust.
15. "My printer stopped working". Turn it upside down and shake
out the staples and paper clips. Works every time.
16. "Can you teach me how to use a computer?".
I answer: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them.
17. The company motto: "If this stuff worked, you wouldn't need me".
18. From one of my smarter clients:
"Why is something broken every time you're here?"
19. "I'm trying to install a 2nd IDE drive. Support told me to
take out ALL the jumpers". How many did you take out? "12".
(What they meant were the two easily accessible jumpers).
20. I call a manufacturer to order a manual on some junk I picked up
surplus. The receptionist asks my name and company. She notes
that I'm not in their database and could she have my address and phone
numbers. No problem. I'm then transfered to the customer service
department which notes that I'm not in the database and asks for the
same information. The customer service person transfers me to the
the parts department which notes that I'm not in the database etc...
Since the manual will take a few days to arrive, I ask for tech
support who notes that I'm not in the database etc... The manual
arrived promptly followed by 4 identical envelopes of promotional
literature with exactly the same name and address.
21. Question LEAST likely to be answered correctly by support:
"What is the current version of your software/hardware/firmware?"
22. Pacific Telephone Support Dept (Dial 611 for repair service),
now asks you to punch in your phone number, and then warns you that
you will be asked to verbally recite the same number when the
service operator answers. I wonder what happens if they're different?
23. Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"
24. Fax back information service for additional information from
one vendor requesting just one item returns a copy of their catalog
page plus 10 pages of promotional garbage.
25. Email autoreply from support@_______.com
Thank you for your support request.
(drivel deleted)
Please refer to support request number:
Error: cannot create /u/something/filename
(4 lines of garbage deleted)
in future correspondence. Your request will be processed
in the order received.
(more garbage with Out of space on hd(1,41) mixed in.)
26. Conversation with support at a certain controller manufacturer.
"I can't answer that, please call your dealer".
"I am the dealer."
"Then call your distributor"
"He said for me to call you"
"Then have the customer call us"
"AAAAAGH!"
27. Modems and payphones don't mix. I hotwired my laptop into the
mouthpiece of a payphone and proceeded to do system maintenance on
a customers machine. The sheriff arrived shortly and proceeded to
interrogate me. Someone called complaining that I was using a computer
to steal money from the payphone.
28. Having my system page me when it does an unscheduled reboot
was a good idea. Having all my customers machines do the same
was a mess after a power failure and 100+ pages.
29. "My hard disk has a virus!". How can you tell, I ask?
"When I type DIR, it says VIRUS {DIR} and some date stuff".
(Hint: Never name the directory for virus scanning software VIRUS).
30. Some monitor manufacturers suggest using alchohol to clean the
screen. They forget to mention that the monitor should be off. (Boom).
31. I told a customer to take his machine to a gas station and
have them blow the dust out. The gas station hands him a 150psi
air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. I got to clean up
the mess for free. He also mangled the floppy heads with the
high pressure.
32. Oxymoron candidate: Disk Protector. That's the cardboard
disk they shove in the floppy drive for shipping. More drives
have been mangled by shoving in the wrong shape, backwards, or bent
than have ever been protected by them. Use a floppy disk instead.
33. What's the difference between a Van DeGraf static generator
and a belt driven vacuum cleaner? Answer: Not much. Don't use
a vacuum to clean your computer.
34. After the cleaning service crashed the computer for the 4th
time by plugging the floor sweeper into the UPS, I decided to take
action. I suggested they install "child proof" plastic plugs in
any outlets deemed worthy of protection. The order went though the
chain of confusion, and I was soon blessed with 1000 child proof
plugs hot stampled with "Protected". I gave instructions to
install about 10 of them on the protected outlets. However, the
maintenance person assigned to the task knew nothing and proceeded
to plaster every outlet in the building with the plugs. Mutiny
was averted by spending all night removing the monsters. Three
years later, they are still appearing.
35. Hint: Do not allow long hair black cats to sleep atop laser
printers and tape drives. The black hair is almost invisible in
black pattens, gears, and rollers.
36. Forensic filth analysis is a new part of computer repair. I
now carry a microscope and some chemicals which are used to determine
the exact nature of the filth I remove from keyboards, mice, computers,
light pens. While nobody pays me to do this, it definately adds
to the entertainment value.
37. Why do customers think that I maintain a document and device
driver library for every conceivable board ever made?
38. From a hard disk drive manufacturer: "The drive stopped working.
I poped the little plug and noticed it was awful dry inside.
I added some oil but it didn't help".
39. Which arrow key? There are 17 arrows on the keyboard.
40. Favorite error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and
a defective AT/IO card.
41. At one time, I was into antique furniture. When I purchased
my first computer (IBM 4.77 PC), I decided that it deserved a suitable
antique table. I ask the local antique dealer: "Do you have an
antique computer desk?". He looks at me with a strange look and
says: "They didn't have computers when this stuff was made".
42. When 3.5" floppies first appeared, some users were confused
with the operation of the write protect window. One user wanted
to be doubly sure that the disk would be safe from his mistakes.
He correctly opened the window and just to be sure, covered it
with one of the magic write protect tabs from a 5.25" floppy.
43. Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"
44. A video store installed the computer on top of the cash
drawer. Every time the cash drawer would open, the hard disk
would get a good bouncing. I decided that this was technically
disgusting, and moved the machine. The next morning, the drive
wouldn't spin up (stiction). Solution: Put it back on top of
the cash drawer and let it bounce.
45. The curse of the mad labeler. Some of the clone cards I
see have stick on METALIZED labels that a quite good at shorting
traces. I've fixed a few by just removing the stick-on short.
A variation on this effect is the tendency for some distributors
to put stick-on labels on TOP of their 486 chips. Then they
smear on some silicon grease and bury the mess under a heat
sink and fan. The air gap produced between the chip and heat
sink severely degrade its cooling value.
--
# Jeff Liebermann Box 272 1540 Jackson Ave Ben Lomond CA 95005
# 408.336.2558 voice wb6ssy@ki6eh.#nocal.ca.usa wb6ssy.ampr.org [44.4.18.10]
# 408.699.0483 digital_pager 73557,2074 cis [don't]
# jeffl@comix.santa-cruz.ca.us scruz.ucsc.edu!comix!jeffl
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