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To all laptop users Let me tell you about a type of pervert, a real threat to computerized society, who has erupted over the past few years. Ever since I decided that I wanted to adopt a laptop - way back when the only one I could have was a little 32k Radio Shack Model 100 - I've seen evidence of these "lapophiles". Lapophiles inhabit every corner of our great and glorious land. They lurk in parking lots, on street corners, in banks, and at airports. Sometimes they have been so bold as to walk right into an office. They've been spotted in train stations, bus stations, at cab stands, and in malls, bars, and restaurants. They're everywhere - and they're after your laptop. A lapophile will lust after every laptop he comes across - and will stop at nothing to get your baby. They'll break the window of your car and take it while it is happily resting as you have a meal or a beer. For those of you who have a slightly bent sense of ownership (I've seen those signs "laptop in trunk" - kind of like "mother-in-law in trunk") they'll even watch for you putting the little monster away and then spring the lid. They'll invade your personal space and take your tyke. They'll sneak up in a crowd and then away again. They're everywhere, anytime. One even snuk into the an office during broad daylight and made off with one waiting to be introduced to its new parent - while still cosy in its little new box. I've heard a story about a laptop parent putting their little joy down beside them while they signed out of the hotel where the two of them had attended meetings, and some perverted lapophile making off with the little tyke. It took that parent over a month to find even a temporary replacement, and of course nothing replaces your first pride and joy no matter how much it looks alike. Whenever I put my laptop down, I put my foot through the strap on his case, or put my foot up against his body so I know he can't wander off. Lapophiles don't even get a chance to have a good look that way. Another story I heard was of a laptop parent leaving their little one in their car while they "just popped in for a quick one" and coming back 10 minutes later to a small pile of glass and a big misery. In my experience, you can never leave your loved one alone, even for a minute. Every single bar and restaurant I have ever been in has allowed me to bring my little laptop in with me while I'm there. I keep my foot beside it or through the strap to keep it from playing the pull-tab machines or bothering the waitresses, and of course that deters even the most forward lapophile. And a further story I heard through the I-vine (like a grape vine but higher tech) was of a couple of lapophiles that worked together in the airport - watching for unsuspecting laptop owners putting their little tykes through the X-ray machines. One would go through ahead, and while the other held up the line, the first would make off with whatever laptops came through on the belt. Many fine upstanding laptop owners have been devastated by this maneuver. In all the years I've had one, my laptop has never wandered away or been taken by a lapophile. I still have my first one (the 32K Model 100) as well as his little brother (a 8K version) and now I have my wonderful big Hitachi too. I look upon my experience with my laptops as a wonderful presage to having children. When my wife and I finally had our sons, the sense of responsibility I had learned in looking after my laptops stood me in good stead with the kids. The only thing is, the laptops seemed to be a lot less individually mobile, and the pubs still allow me to take my laptop in with me, but not the kids for some reason. I hope this gives all you new laptop adopters a bit of an idea of what it takes to care for a laptop. It is much like having children, but more so. One last item: The adoption insurance agency that we use is getting very upset at the number of replacement adoptions that are having to be done. In fact, they are so upset that they may not allow us any more replacements no matter how much we bribe them - and we'll have to simply go the original adoption route every time from now on - and that has significant impact on the cost and time of each adoption. The impact is so severe that our adoption agent has started getting us slightly dumber and slower little laptops to keep the cost down. Not only that, it is taking longer and longer to get even these dumb/slow laptops since we now seem to be in the bad books of our adoption agent who takes these things personally. He's even thinking of making the poor adopter go all the way through the process of getting approved for adopting again. Since I still have my two original baby laptops, and the lapophiles don't seem to be
much interested in them anymore, what I'll do is let the next person who suffers a loss to
a lapophile spend some time with my baby one (the 8K - yes, that is 8K, not 8Meg), while
our agent arranges for a new adoptee. This little tyke knows all the ropes as far as being
carried around and cared for - but is a bit shy, slow, and colorless. He also doesn't
speak any of the new Microsoft Office stuff, but does have a very serviceable text editor.
He speaks a bit slowly though - only a 1200 baud modem. If that doesn't do the trick, I
have an even older one that, while not really designed as a portable, is quite light
none-the-less. I think it was made by I hope this makes you look after your little laptop better - you may not like the next one you get nearly as much as you like the one you have now. In addition, you should watch out for the purseophiles, walletophiles, and desktopophiles - they have similar lusts and similar ways of fulfilling them. Richard Pitt
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